From An Entirely Other Day:
The World and the Way It Should Be: First in a Series
People should be assigned a certain amount of work when they’re born, and no more. If you finish early — like, say, in your fifties — you’re excused and get to go outside and play.
Damn that’s brilliant…
ah-hahahahahaha
I shall now deliver a joke crafted for the lowest common denominator:
China accuses US of having a weak bush (ba-dum-dum-CHING!)
But seriously, folks, did you vote for this war-monger?
So, my cell-phone is through PacBell. If you’re from California, you know that PacBell is easily the most ubiquitous (and insidious) telecommunications provider in the area, be it wireless, land-line, or even DSL. Because of their historical stranglehold on their chosen industry, horrific service, high prices, and ridiculously bad customer support, PacBell is almost universally hated by a majority of it’s customers; who, are forced, either through simple acquiescence, or necessity, to do business with them.
In apparent response to all of this negative press, Pacbell-Wireless has recently changed it�s name to Cingular. Perhaps you�ve seen the commercials? They have a little inkblot mascot that offers sage advice through comic-strip speech bubbles like:
�We believe that, given the chance, human expression can change the world��
This morning, I had a text message on my cell. It said simply: Company name change please turn your phone off an on. After doing so, the little �PacBell� on my phone changed to �Cingular�. Is this really going to fool me? Am I going to forget my seething hatred just because Dick changed his name to Richard?
Yeah, probably�
From Rob at Toasty:
Life is a nice rug, slowly being pulled out from under my feet. I’m being pulled along for now, but one day I’ll most likely be on my ass, on a cold wood floor. But for now…
wheee.
Sign on the dumpster in my office parking lot:
CAUTION – Do not play in, on, or around this container.
le sigh… That’s just another example about how this over-cautious, PC world has just gone too far. The kids of today will no longer know the carefree joy of a spritied game of Hide-n-Go-Dumpster, or revel in the mock violence of Cowboys-n’-Dumpster-Denizens.
You know, fair readers, it’ll be a cold, cold day in Hell when my kids won’t be allowed to bring me a discarded length of bike chain or bag of rotting grass, “just ’cause we love ya”.
CAREFUL– Small objects, like hard candies, may inadvertently become lodged in the throat.
I’ve mentioned this before, but, I love how gloriously bad those pictures of me up there are. Stuff like that makes me happy…
Overheard at Macy�s as two girls comment on a Ralph Lauren mannequin clothed in shorts, shirt, over-shirt, light sweater wrapped around the neck, and a sweatshirt around the waist.
Girl #1: Now, what do you need all that stuff for?
Girl #2: Well, you know, sometimes it gets chilly when you�re out there�playing lacrosse.
I discovered the true meaning of a mantra today.
Those who know me recognize me as someone who pretty much despises the seething masses of humanity. That’s not to say that I hate you all individually; but, if you approach me in a vast, inconsiderate group, pushing your little shopping carts around listlessly, randomly stopping in the middle of an aisle to chat, perpendicular parking so that you can get that bottle of juice from the other aisle, etc…I will be forced to destroy you.
It’s not that I have a problem with crowds, either. On average, at 6′ tall, I’m at least a full head above most people. I enjoy public spaces like parks and museums and concerts and whatnot. It’s the Wallmarts. Targets, and CostCos that I can’t stand. Maybe it’s the lemming-ish bowing to capitalism that bothers me, or the oppressive mood of a collective organism with the singular purpose of slowing me down, getting in my way, and killing me slowly with hypertension. I don’t know.
So today found me in CostCo. Any overcrowding I experienced, I definitely asked for as I went exactly at noon…on a Saturday. Realizing in advance that I was tempting a potentially inconvenient murder, I pre-empted my visit by deciding on a mantra: “Patience is a virtue.” So there I was…weaving slowly in and out of the cattle lined up for free samples, waiting patiently for momma and pappa to retrieve their 1.4 kids from the path of my cart, politely saying “excuse me” if I needed to get by, all the while muttering under my breath “patienceisavirtue, patienceisavirtue, patienceisavirtue.”
And…I was serene. I flowed over the masses like a surfer in his element. There was a slight falter when a guy behind me painfully rolled his cart over my heel without even an “oops”; but, I was able to limit my interaction with him to only a slow, bored, “Owwwww”, let out sighingly to no one in particular.
My name is David Kleeman, and patience is a virtue.
