There is a customer service number on my Fish Sticks™.

I’m to call this number should I have any comments or inquiries, fish, or fish stick related. Should I have comments not pertaining to fish stick application, preparation, or nutritional value I am invited to find my own resource as a number where I might find the answers to my frozen taquitos questions is not provided… And don’t even get me started on questions on religion, ’cause brother, Van de Kamp’s is just not set up for that kind of onslaught of logical reasoning:

Me: …but if there is a God, how does He justify all the suffering in the world? I mean, why would he really have let that kid get stuck in that well a few years ago?
Operator: Did you say that you had preheated the oven to 400°?

Still, it’s comforting to know that there is at least some respite from the Fish Stick Storm™ when I’ve tried everything short of the 3-step simple instructions printed on the box in basic quasi-sentences that could most likely be translated by a Slavic two-year-old with no actual formal English or otherwise training… and even if that proved a bit daunting the easy to discern pictures would have sufficiently pointed the way. Having said that, thank the customer service gods above that there is light at the end of my dark dark tunnel, and my Fish Sticks™ need not remain frozen and inexplicably planted next to my cactus, a result of my inability to actually, say, cook them. Whew!

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