fallen soldierTony Pierce (and the Discovery Channel) did this thing, listing his 100 Greatest American Men of all time, in honor of this country’s achievements and whatnot.

I’m totally going to copy his idea as I sit here in the near dark listening to the sounds of the rocket’s red glare that aren’t really rockets (bottle or otherwise) but are instead most likely lame Piccolo Pete’s and snakes… except for the one neighbor who, as time goes on, I’m getting more and more the urge to kill. He or she has the fireworks that squeal really loud for a second and then explode: SCREEEEEEEE-*POP*. It’s the 4th of July, I say to myself, cut the guy some slack, you’re just jealous… which was true 6 hours ago. He or she, however has been steadily at it since around 3 o’clock this afternoon, lighting off what seems to be an infinite supply of these things every 20 seconds or so for the last 9 hours. SCREEEEEEEE-*POP* pause pause SCREEEEEEEE-*POP* pause pause SCREEEEEEEE-*POP*, etc etc ad nauseum. I marvel at how endlessly entertained this guy (or girl) seems to be by something so repetitive and now annoying.

My plan, as midnight approaches, is to light a sparkler, thereby getting this person’s undivided attention. “oooh shiny!” it will say and follow me everywhere. I will then drive slowly up into the Hollywood Hills, fast enough so that it can’t catch me but slow enough to keep it’s interest. Then, I’ll throw the last of my sparklers into the Griffith Observatory’s Planetarium, keeping my neighbor occupied for the next week or so. By the time it emerges, Independence Day should most likley be over and all will be right with the world.

100 (or until I run out), Greatest Americans
by David Kleeman

1. Jack Kerouac – for writing the best book ever made
2. Benjamin Franklin – because I watched a History Channel bio on him today, and he kicks ass
3. Thomas Edison – for making light, and it was good
4. Abraham Lincoln – for ending slavery
5. Martin Luther King Jr. – for continuing the fight
6. Alexander Calder – for changing my life
7. The Wright Brothers – for creating dreams
8. Hugh Hefner – for being Hugh Hefner
9. Albert Einstein – Because e=mc2 mothafucka
10. Oprah – because you don’t make a list like this and leave off Oprah
11. Frank Sinatra
12. John Wayne
13. Steven Spielberg
14. Charles Lindbergh
15. Michael Jackson
16. Michael Jordan
17. Lance Armstrong
18. JFK
19. Neil Armstrong
20. Elvis Presley
21. Chuck Yeager
22. Amelia Earhart
23. Angelina Jolie
24. George Washington
25. Howard Hughes
26. Rosa Parks
27. Charles Bukowski
28. Bill Gates
29. Carl Sagan
30. Steve Jobs
31. Magic Johnson
32. Kurt Vonnegut
33. Ernest Hemingway
34. Mark Twain
35. Henry Ford
36. The Wright Brothers
37. Hank Aaron
38. Louis Armstrong
39. Al Green
40. Jimmy Stewart
41. Marilyn Monroe
42. Sammy Davis Jr.
43. Matt Groening
44. Bill Clinton
45. Howard Stern
46. Lewis & Clark
47. Wyatt Earp
48. Every girl I ever loved
49. Thomas Jefferson
50. Jonas Salk
51. Jesse Owens
52. John Glenn
53. Walt Disney
54. Cesar Chavez
55. Ray Charles
56. Stevie Wonder
57. Lucille Ball
58. Cassius Clay
59. Ansel Adams
60. Robert Oppenheimer
61. Edgar Allan Poe
62. Ronald Reagan
63. Sears
64. Kareem Abdul Jabbar
65. Frank Loyd Wright
66. Chuck Berry
67. Charles and Ray Eames
68. Carson
69. Babe Ruth
70. John D. Rockefeller
71. Donald Trump
72. Paris Hilton
73. Alexander Graham Bell
74. Davy Crockett
75. Clara Barton
76. John Steinbeck
77. Bill Murray
78. Les Paul
79. J.D. Salinger
80. Al Capone
81. Bill Shatner
82. P.T. Barnum
83. Mel Blanc
84. Ray Bradbury
85. Georgia O’Keefe
86. John Muir
87. Napolean Dynamite

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