Reader Mail

I’m not sure why, because it’s not solicited, but I get a lot of reader mail. Most of it is complete and utter adoration, as I’m sure you can identify with, but some of it is asking for advice. Advice about family, relationships, major purchases, taxes of all things, and whatnot.

Every now and again, though, I get questions that are un-catagorizable; lest that category be General Effluvia. If you know me at all (and you don’t so I’ll tell you), I’m the type of person that knows a little about a lot of things. Not, unfortunately, a lot about a lot of things, just enough to either get me in over my head or make me sound like a pompous asshole. In other words, just the right amount. More to the point:

From: Confused in Cali
Subject: What the...?

Dear DAK:

I have an old mattress that has seen it's last days. It's all worn out and has very obvious hills and valleys in it. I have another bed to replace it, but what do I do with the old one?

Thanks man,

Well Cletus, normally when you buy a new mattress the store will haul away your old mattress for free. You indicated in your e-mail that you already have a bed, so alternative methods are necessary. If you were me in college, you would obviously burn it and do Ollie’s over it while spitting Everclear for visual effect. You would continue this until you got tired of it, which would roughly coincide with when the cops came.

If, however, you were me now, and you really just wanted to get the thing out of the house so you could get back to The Simpsons, you would drag the mattress out into the alley behind your apartment and sheepishly lean it up against the wall next to the dumpster. Then, when leaving for work in the morning, you would notice that said mattress was gone, yet the garbage remained, meaning that someone had actually snagged your old, yet clean, mattress and box-spring and had maybe (a) put it in their home or (b) burned it and was doing Ollie’s over it all night which you missed out on and can’t help feeling bitter about.

PS ewww, grody, someone took my old mattress!

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