floorpie

Noah’s Bagels is celebrating Valentine’s Day in a grand way with their Valentine’s Bagel Box. For only $14.99, you get one dozen heart shaped bagels and two shmears, delivered in a standard long-stemmed roses box.

In a a long-stemmed roses box.

Scene: A typical office. Two women are working in adjoining cubes when a delivery man enters.
Delivery Guy: I got a package for a Jill Evans…
Jill: I’m Jill Evans!
DG: Here you go (hands Jill a long-stemmed roses box and exits)
Stephanie: Oooh girl! You’re so lucky, Bob sent you flowers!
JE: I am lucky, Steph! See? This is the romantic stuff I was telling you about that no one ever sees. Bob is the best man in the world!
S: Read the card!
JE: (reads aloud) “Baby, you’re my one and only. You stole my heart like a runner steals second. Your cinnamon-raisin lover, Bob”
Together: Ahhhh.
S: Open it! Open it!
JE: I’m so excited! (opens box)
sound from nowhere: wah-waaaaah

Dude, you’re going to jail!

In a surprise to no one event, the ubiquitous Dell dude, Ben Curtis, was arrested for marijuana possession in New York over the weekend. The advertising industry will never be the same.

And you know he’s gonna be a popular fella in the pen.

I’m not in Vegas, but my friends are.

But I’d like to be.

A lot.

ring ring
…
Two Knuckles: So do you want me to put anything on black for you?
Dave: Yeah, $50.
Two Knuckles:No problem.
Dave: On a related note, can I borrow 50 bucks?
Two Knuckles: erm

Did I tell you that I went to a Buddhist thing (service? experience? meditation?) the other day? Well, I did. I think I may jump on the Richard Gere bandwagon.

The Buddhist bandwagon, not the rumored gerbil one. Although… (kidding!)

At any rate, I found it honestly enlightening (no pun intended), and I like the idea of also believing in the power of your own mind instead of solely relying on a god or gods. What’s more, Buddhism seems to be concerned with the betterment of self and humanity through the gradual falling away of negative human “habits”… or something.

Whatever the case, it was interesting enough for me to want to delve deeper….

Sigh

AMR, a Portland company, has come out with a new supersized ambulance to meet the needs of obese patients in need of emergency care.

They had to build a whole new ambulance.

A whole new ambulance with a gurney rated for a 1000 pound victim. One thousand pounds!

And a winch.

With an ordinary ambulance, he said, it took "a lot of brute force" by six to eight emergency medical technicians to load extremely obese patients.

"We'd load this person on there and they'd be very uncomfortable," he said. "They'd hang over both sides." Sometimes a patient would have to sit or lie on the ambulance floor.

All respect to the morbidly obese aside, but this sickens me. Not that I don’t think that all people, of any weight, deserve to have emergency medical care, and need not suffer the indignities of literally hanging over the sides of conventional gurneys or having to just lie on the ambulance floor. It’s simply that the thought that American obesity has gotten to a level that justifies the commissioning of a fleet of Super Ambulances, makes me literally sick. Especially when considering the endemic famine in places like Africa.

OK, I’ll step to the side of the bullshit for just a second: yes, I laughed, too. Now back to the diatribe.
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I just don’t understand getting yourself in the kind of position where it literally takes a small forklift to move you around. That was not a joke. The article mentioned that hospitals sometimes had to use forklifts to transport their 650+ pound patients. Can you imagine the plumbing bill?

Kaiser is putting fans in rooms of patients who are extremely heavy and is using special sheets to wick perspiration from their bodies. Special beds with inflatable cells are available at Kaiser for the extremely obese.

To assess your own risk of riding in the Ambulance…SuperSized with a Coke, calculate your body mass index, and then hit the gym… or lose weight through unemployment. You know, one or the other.

The Lakers have finally reached 500 this season; which, as I’m sure you know, means that they’ve now won as many games as they’ve lost… or in light of this season, lost as many games as they’ve won. This shouldn’t have been as hard of a task for the defending champions to achieve as it was, but there you go. Sure, they had injuries and whatnot, but never was it more apparent that two players can’t consistently carry a team of thirteen than it was early this season.

Which is a lesson, you see: everyone must pull their own weight.

Which may, in fact, account for my down demeanor as of late (meaning as of this entire last year). It’s been fairly ego-whacking (it’s a term) to not be given the opportunity to pull my own weight for so long. I feel disgusted with myself, often. Wasted. Un-utilized. Hopefully that will end soon.

People around me seem to be having far less trouble being utilized than I do. I’ve decided that it’s due to the glut of laid-off engineers in relation to the relative scarcity of other positions. I hope that’s what it is, ’cause if it’s not, it may be something about the way I smell…

Ah raspberries…

Everyone I’ve had contact with today is having a bad day, including myself. Granted, every day is at least marginally bad for the perpetually unemployed, but I wasn’t expecting reciprocal feelings from my friends and loved ones. I don’t know what it is, but it’s certainly not the weather (here). Sunny and clear all day, and makes me wish I lived a couple blocks from the beach like I used to. Oh dearest SoCal, so close, yet to teasingly far away!

Speaking of which, if anyone knows of a job in the LA or San Diego areas (and by “area” I mean pretty much anywhere within 50 miles), help me out. There’s $$$ in it for you if you do. Lots of money. Money with zeros people.

You know what I love (where by “love” I mean “hate completely and with passion”)? When a recruiter, or HR representative, calls you in response to receiving you resume; you answer a few questions, give them some more detailed background information, and then are met with, “Well, I just wanted to give you a call and get a sense of what you were looking for. Probably not a good fit for this position because you’re ______, but I’ll keep you in mind if anything else comes up”

People are now calling me to reject me.

Reader Opinion Poll

If, after dating someone for a long time, you break-up, was it all a waste of time? Meaning, presumably, that you could have spent that same time finding and developing a relationship with someone you wouldn’t break up with. Personally, I think all experiences are valuable, and the time you spent together then was good, then; end of story. Thoughts?

And no, this has nothing to do with anything related to ADG. I just heard No Doubt‘s Ex-Girlfriend on the radio, with the roughly translated refrain, “I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend… all the time we’ve wasted”, and it got me to thinking