floorpie

The handle of the razor blade I have at work (I’m an engineer, I need to cut things) has an arrow pointed toward the business end imprinted on the side. Underneath the arrow is the text: CAUTION: RAZOR SHARP BLADE

For the past four weeks, any English I’ve heard in my vicinity has nearly always been directed at me. Everything else is noise, and to be loosely ignored (saved for signs of aggression, questioning, and, of course, blatant sexual innuendo). I wonder if, when I return, being surrounded by a veritable cacophony of near-intelligible speech will cause my mind to explode from either over-use, or increased ego from thinking that everyone is talking to me! me! me!

Imagine the scene:

Walking down a crowded street somewhere in Asia. We are veritably assaulted by all of our senses at once. Things look different here. They sound different, taste different smell different, feel different. Things are different in every way. The only constant, in fact, is the total lack of constancy.

But then, what is that? Off in the distance? A jangling tune, long remembered: the ice cream man! Oh happy day that the ice-cream man would have penetrated the depths of Asian culture. A symbol worthy of export.

We walk faster, excited to find the source of so much happiness. The jingle grows louder as we turn a corner. There! A mass of people are crowded around a vehicle of some sort, the source of the wonderful sounds. The vehicle is different from that of the U.S. Bigger. More yellow; but I will not begrudge them their obvious progress.

We come ever nearer, almost giddy now. People rush past us holding large bags. How they must love their ice-cream we think!

People rush forward with large bags and hand them to the ice-cream man who promptly turns around and throws them happily into the back of the garbage truck.

The garbage truck!

My childhood happiness has been appended to a garbage truck. I weep.

It’s Good Friday somewhere, but not in Taiwan. In Taiwan, you see, it’s Godless-Pagans Day, or some similar holiday involving incense, and statuary (false idols), and rhythmic praying.

Actually, though, the Buddhist (and Taoist, and Confuscist) temples here are very soothing, very ornate (save for the Confucius ones), and very reverent in a spiritual way (as opposed to a stiff and sinful sexual-aberration way like in the Catholic church). ADG had laughingly said something about Taiwan being full of pagans, seeing as they pray? meditate? ask for favors from? different gods… or maybe spirits… or maybe just concepts (like Mercy, Welfare, Success, Long Life, etc). Obviously, I’m not sure.

At any rate, it got me to thinking about St. Christopher and the like that Catholics also pray to for protection, mercy, welfare, success, long life, etc. Is this pagan? And if not, can Western religions really judge Eastern ones? I asked ADG but she just shrugged, “Dunno, I’m not Catholic. We don’t do that crap.”

Excellent point.

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that Mozilla was so cool? I had always disregarded it as another Opera-esque (though Mozilla may have been first?) internet browser with tabbed browsing capability, but is somehow so much more. I think I may be a convert.

The interesting thing about Taiwanese ice-cream is how completely and totally it fails to be anything at all like anything associated with ice-cream, yet it remains delicious. This is not the same thing as saying that the interesting thing about nachos is how completely and totally it fails to be anything at all like anything associated with chocolate, yet remains delicious, because nachos never claimed to be chocolate in the first place. And why would they? I mean, really? Chocolate is great for tasting something sweet, or wrapping around mint; it makes some people very happy, and others very fat, and these are all good things. But, they’re no meal. They’re no nachos.

To continue, Taiwanese ice-cream, as near as I can tell, contains no milk, for instance; except, perhaps, Incidental Milk™ which might materialize in the form of yogurt balls in Taiwanese ice-cream suspension, or the like. I’ve not seen a flavor featuring yogurt balls in suspension, but if I were to, I would be precluded from including “lack of milk” as a strike against Taiwanese ice-cream, were it not for this caveat. Taiwanese ice-cream is more of a finely scrushed sno-cone, or more solidly frozen gelato (the later, I think containing milk, but then I never claimed culinary expertise).

Another reason that Tawainese ice-cream is not ice-cream (besides that aforementioned lack of… cream), is the cone. Americans understand that it is all about the cone. It is so all about the cone, in fact, that often I don’t even get the cone (or it’s all-powerful cousin, the waffle cone) as I realize in advance that I am not presently ready for its awesome power. The Taiwanese cone is not, in fact, even a cone in shape. Instead it is a cylinder (for a handle), topped by an open-ended, short box (not completely unlike a sandbox… but mostly unlike it). It serves the same function, and appears to be made of the same material but is not. Instead of the slightly sweet, graham-ish flavor of a true cone, the Taiwanese versions are clearly made out of a nearly-edible styrofoam… though in several snappy colors, which I can’t help but envy.

Lastly, two words: tiny little clear plastic spoons.

Still, though: delicious, if not bewildering.

Did I tell you that ADG is in Taiwan for a few days?

ADG is in Taiwan for a few days. I am one lucky gwei-lo.

I’ll tell you something about Taiwan. Despite the hustle. Despite, also, the bustle. Despite the hurly and the burly that is life in a major metropolitan area… it is serene here. It is calm here. It is ordered chaos here.

The people don’t run red lights like in L.A.

Like at Pico and Lincoln by Tommy’s

There’s something you won’t find in Taipei: chili-cheese burgers and chili-cheese fries.

Or burrito’s. There is no Taiwanese equivalent to the old TA’s in I.V. Nor will there ever be. The King is dead, long live the King.

Why is it that the vending machine here will give change in $1 Taiwanese New Dollars, but not accept $1 Taiwanese New Dollars? The world may never know.

Also, is it bad that I started writing out the HTML for italics when writing an e-mail?