The wheels of justice they are a-turning.

Between you and me (and just between you and me), I really don’t understand how anything gets done in today’s legal system. Everything just takes forever and a day.

I just wanted to make that comment.

Because I’ve always excelled at everything I do, yesterday I made the cut and was one of the 20% of people who get chosen from the jury trial to possibly be assigned to a trial. Today, because I continue to strive for excellence in everything I do, I was “randomly” chosen to also be amongst the first group to be evaluated to be on the jury. Meaning, if they didn’t find a problem with me being an educated white male with no financial hardship or familial commitments, I would definitely be on the jury for a criminal case involving guns, gangs, and a girlfriend.

In other words, I’m screwed.

The judge first asked the entire prospective panel, “Do you bitches see any reason why you would be unable to fulfill your civic duty impartially and fairly?” or something to that effect.

One man raised his hand in assent, and when asked to explain himself, gave some excuse about how the defendant is Hispanic, and he’s Hispanic; and how, because this trial involved an assault and he was assaulted when he was twelve that he didn’t feel that he could be impartial on a case like this.

The judge did not like this answer. What ensued was 20 minutes of basically this:

Judge: What’s your fucking problem? Is it because the defendant is black?!
Juror Number Five: No! I mean… no! I just think it would be hard to be…
J: because you got beat up when you were twelve? What’s that, like fucking 30 years ago?
JNF: Yeah well it’s just that I wouldn’t…
J: So if it’s not because the dude’s black is it because you’re too stupid to be able to put your bias aside?
JNF: Wait. What?
J: Too stupid! You’re saying that even if the State gave convincing evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt, you would still vote guilty?
JNF: Well, err…
J: Tell you what jackhole, maybe you’d be more comfortable with a civil trial. Fiduciary issues and whatnot?
JNF: Ummm
J: OK so that’s settled. Get the fuck out of here, you’ve been reassigned to the civil court.
Bailiff: Smooth move, exlax

Let that be a lesson to you all.

And then we recessed for lunch. Upon returning we had to wait… and wait… and wait… in a cold marble hallway with no chairs. I feel pseudo-asleep sitting on the floor with my head against the wall when the bailiff came out hours later. “Please return to the Jury Room, you have all been excused!”

And there was much rejoicing. Apparently, the defendant changed his plea, or the charges were dropped, or who knows what, but I’m off the hook for another year.

And Jury Number Five is reporting to civil court tomorrow morning.