I’m fairly certain that the idiots are getting out of hand. I know the Bible says that the meek shall inherit the earth, but that’s not for, like, five to seven years, so for now to hell with them. The idiot-proofing on product packaging is getting just a bit too, um, idiot-proof in my opinion.
Whatever happened to the heady days of the late 70’s and early 80’s, where if you really couldn’t figure out how to open your bottle of anti-depressants, you simply banged them forcibly on the table until the bottle burst open like that one guy’s skull back in summer camp that I never told anyone about?

Or what about peripheral vision? The skills mastered through regularly cheating off your neighbor’s math test are the same needed when sidelong glancing at that obviously much cooler fella to your left who has no problem casually inserting his straw into his Capri-Sun. Observe and copy, observe and copy.
This morning, while showering my chiseled and toned 6’3″ temple of a body, gently cleansing each muscular fold of my rippling abs, I ran out of soap. In a blind, stinking panic I reached for a new bar from the bathroom cabinet, precariously leaning out of the shower and retrieving one through expertly aimed toilet-brush swipes. My prize in hand, and my heart-rate quickening, I was overjoyed to see that the little box packaging my Irish Spring helpfully had “open here” on it’s flap.
Actually, when I saw that “open here” I got slightly amused, followed by annoyed, then hungry, then a little peeved. “Is this really necessary?” I thought to myself in my apparently genius-like mind. So, as a show of extreme rebellion, I opened the other, non-labeled side. Strangely, the world failed to crash in upon itself, and we all live to fight another day.

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