Here’s what I’ve decided, and I’m pretty excited about it. The paper companies (aka “The Conglomerate”) has entered into an evil cabal with the pharmaceuticals (in conjunction with the FDA, obviously), to purposely infect the populace with the common cold.

It’s all so very clear to me, now.

Your Flintstone multivitamin is laced with at least one, possibly two, time-release viruses that give a normal human being a mild to severe cold every 6 months to a year. Then, corporations like Kleenex and Charmin come in on the backend, soaking up that sweet sweet mucus money; their aloe-infused tissues and toilet paper containing the antidote to the aforementioned virus(es). But see, you’re taking even more vitamins in hope of combating your illness, spending ever more, and setting yourself up for your next scheduled cold.

It’s brilliant!

What evidence do I have of this theory? It’s as plain as the throbbing red nose on my face. In the last 4 days of my cold, I’ve gone through 4 boxes of tissues…and 2 rolls of toilet paper. Just in nose blowing. 4 boxes! 2 rolls! These kleenex were supposed to last me for months; and toilet paper, which I already go through quickly for, uh, other reasons is already running dangerously low a couple of weeks after picking up the multipack.

I’m on to you paper companies. If they find my body with “multiple shallow lacerations, not unlike paper cuts,” you’ll know why. Spread the word!

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