floorpie

huh

4 AM, not looking for sleep. I’ve variously pulled Oedipus the King, Visions of Cody, and Cities of the Red Night from the bookshelf next to my desk, looking for purchase. They’re all books I’ve read before, but I’m trying to occupy my mind.

I’ve reached that stage where you feel partnered with the night, and dread the arrival of the dawn you know will come too soon. It’s also the point where you say to yourself, “At this point, I might as well just stay up all night” and then regret it somewhere about 1:30 the next afternoon.

My horoscope from the Onion:

The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.

This, like many things, reminds me of my days at the accursed Lockheed. About a month after I happily quit, I received a familiar envelope from the payroll department in the mail. It was apparently my last paycheck, and for me, cheerfully represented the closing chapter of a too-long book. I still have that check, un-cashed, framed, and hanging on a wall next to my front door. You have to be looking for it to find it, as I placed it only about a foot off the floor. If you do manage to spot it, though, and kneel down to take a closer look, you’ll gaze reverently upon a check made payable to David A. Kleeman in the amount of:

$0.34

I’m going to keep that forever.

So, I’m not in to all of the sterotypical guy things, but I am into basketball. Did you see this game?! I’ve seen more sportsmanship in professional wrestling!

Speaking of stupid crap, what about the published report that 1 in 4 Americans have negative attitudes towards the Chinese (via Ern)? 25%?! And this poll was taken before that whole spy plane deal. I don’t think anyone can argue that racial prejudice is rational or constructive. Maybe it’s the Asian friends I do have, or the fact that I work in a multi-national company based in Singapore that tempers me; but, I simply cannot understand these kinds of opinions from otherwise intelligent human beings. The mind boggles.

What’s the deal with mosquito bites? I never see them coming, and, they’re always discovered what I can only assume is several days later, as I notice myself absently whittling down my legs or arms with my fingernails. Is there any real need for this kind of surreptitious behaviour? I mean, I’ve given blood before, I’m willing to take one for the team, give one for the Gipper, etc. You want something? Just ask!

Oh. Man. Hold all my calls and clear my schedule, my local grocery store is now selling dry ice! I am so stoked, and you all know exactly why. That’s right, self-reenactment of Michael Jackson’s Thriller video entirely contained within my one-bedroom apartment! Man, I can’t friggin’ wait!

Before I get too far ahead of myself, though, I should make sure to read the handy pamphlet provided entitled “Handling and the Many Uses of DRY ICE”. Here are some key excerpts:

Handling Caution
DO NOT handle with bare hands, it can cause sever burns. Use tongs, cloth gloves, a cloth napkin or other separator to prevent direct skin contact.
DO NOT taste or put in mouth

Brght! Hwell Fhat’s Wunderstanglable…*spit*….OH! So, don’t touch under any circumstances AND don’t put in my mouth. Oh, OK.

Protect Trophy Game
Pack your animal or fish in dry ice to ensure non spoilage. Remember, do not allow direct contact of trophy with dry ice; this may cause superficial damage.

Next to this warning is a picture of the majestic head of a 10-point buck. I find this pictogram a bit limiting. Might also there be pictures of the heads of children, mall perfume sprayers, communists, or any other viable, hunt-able object?

Wheat and Grain Storage
Place 1 pound of dry ice per 100 pound of wheat. This will kill bacteria and insects.

I dunno, I just found that funny. I mean, everyone knows what to do with their hundreds and hundreds of pounds of wheat!

Other Uses
Fresh Meat Processing and Shipping
Carbonating Beverages
Inerting and Purging
Deflashing Molded Rubber and Plastic
Industrial Cleaning (dry ice pellet blasting)
Water Well Treatment
Freeze Branding
Shrink Fitting
Low Temperature Testing

I don’t know what it is, but I’m all about dry ice Freeze Branding!

I am having a f-a-s-t day, or at least one that I am required to move quickly through. My day started at 9:30 with a blur of offsite client meetings (well as much of a blur you can sustain in a 3-hour meeting. I tend to usually snap into focus somewhere around 2 hours, so…), and I’m only now getting into the office for the first time. Now, I have to respond to the billion (read 40) e-mails that would typically be taken care of by 11, fix the printer (did I mention I’m the ad hoc IT guy here?), get ready for a conference call with HP and Singapore (yes the entire country), and this is the second day I’ll be skipping lunch.

What does this all mean to you? Absolutely nothing. More importantly, it means very little to me, as today is all sunshine, lollipops,and rainbows…everywhere.

I am having a s-l-o-w day. I’ll be cutting out of here in the next 45 minutes without the energy required to take a trip to the grocery store like I had planned to. I will, however, be somehow able to muster the strength necessary for the Herculean effort of pouring my carcass into my recliner and somehow, somehow commanding my thumb to flip recklessly through the dozens and dozens of available TV channels. I only pray I make it that far.

Should I somehow lose momentum between my door and my living room, and be forced instead to collapse in a quivering flesh-heap in front of my computer, I may be compelled to make the even greater effort of surfing the net for 6 straight hours. At which point, I would expect any number of forgotten friends to burst into my apartment, chanting back to me the same mantra I spewed to them when I wasn’t quite as much of a nerd, but saw the writing on the wall, “Man, if I ever become one of those guys who surfs the net all day, I want you to shoot me.” The phrase repeated over and over again, zombie-eyes glazed and bloodshot, squinting only momentarily to sight down their various shotguns and rifles aimed at my head, to which is attached a pleading mouth that is caught screaming in a slow-motion, “Noooooooooo!” as the first pebble of quail-shot expelled from the muzzle of my long-lost pal Rob’s sawed-off 12-gauge punctures one eyeball, thankfully blanking out half of my death scene. The other, though, captures the final gruesome scene where Missa, my first real girlfriend, smiles sweetly and mouths, “You made us promise” as her inexplicable elephant-gun explodes in my face.

Or maybe I’ll take a nap.

My friend Michelle absolutely blew my mind over sushi Saturday night. Some back-story, I believe, is in order:

Although she denies it now, I am absolutely positive that my mother told me that I was allergic to chocolate milk. As I’m sure you can guess, this has left me with more than a little childhood trauma. I can distinctly remember a number of instances when, getting my lunch in the cafeteria, they were out of regular milk and only had chocolate left. I recall looking at one side of the ice tray, devoid of the pure white variety; and, then looking at the other, brimming over with what I thought was terribly poisonous chocolate death. In those cases, I would simply go without, waiting until recess to drink some water out of the fountain. There was even a time when I picked up a chocolate milk by mistake, tried to exchange it but was denied, and ended up giving it away to some greedy kid, watching him happily slurp down, what was to me, a forbidden treasure.

As I said, my mom now denies all of this, and claims total amnesia on the subject.

Anyway, there’s still a part of me that believes I’m allergic to chocolate milk (plus my real allergy to penicillin), and I for some reason was relaying this entire story to my aforementioned friend, Michelle. She nodded politely through the boring parts, laughed at the funny parts, and then started the conversation that hit me like a ton of bricks:

Michelle: “So, what did you think you were allergic to, the chocolate or the milk?”
Dave: “Err…what?!”
M: “What did you think you were allergic to? You know chocolate milk is just regular milk with chocolate in it, right?”
D: “Regular milk with…huh?”
M: “Are you allergic to milk?”
D: “N-no…”
M: “Are you allergic to chocolate?”
D: “Uh, no.”
M: “Then why would you be allergic to chocalte milk?!”
D: “Uh, err, wha..? Umm, but see…uh, gahhh…”

Excuse me, while I kiss the sky….

Look at what’s happened to me,
I can’t believe it myself.
Suddenly I’m up on top of the world,
It should’ve been somebody else.

Believe it or not,
I’m walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it’s just me.

It’s like a light of a new day,
It came from out of the blue.
Breaking me out of the spell I was in,
Making all of my wishes come true.

Believe it or not,
I’m walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it’s just me.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it’s just me