floorpie

Floorpie’s Mostly-Unbiased iPhone Review

I have a confession to make:

I have an iPhone.

OK, it’s not my iPhone, it’s my company’s; and it’s not even mine to keep, it’s my department’s and we use it for research and development…BUT, I have and have had an iPhone for the last week or so. My rating?

C+…maybe B-

Let me explain.

I think it’s first important to note that I didn’t actually buy this iPhone, the company did, and it wasn’t even me who stood in line for it. I am positive that if I had paid for it with my own money, and spent my time standing in a several hours long line that I would love the iPhone. I would adore it. I would treasure it. Hell, I would have sex with it if I could, because anything you spend $600 on and wait weeks for has to exceed your expectations…or you have to admit that you got a little too excited about a little too little. And that just ain’t the way I roll.

But like I said, it wasn’t my money or my time, so I’m fairly clear-headed about all of this.

First, the good. It’s gorgeous. I mean, it’s really gorgeous. The screen is bright and clear, and just moving around from iPod to phone to calendar to notes for chrissakes is an absolutely transcendent experience. Even after a week when the most amazing things start to become blasé, this thing is still really really cool.

The problem for me, though, is that’s kind of ALL it is.

The iPod part Undeniably awesome. Watching videos in widescreen format, flipping through cover flow, all of that is really cool. But, I only have 8GB to play around with? My iTunes collection is nearing 20GB and getting bigger all the time. Now I have to make ever-changing playlists just to accommodate my iPhone? I don’t even have the option to sync like the Shuffle does and use let it randomly decide on some songs based on the amount of space I choose to be available. So, out of laziness I just chose the “Top 25 Most Played” and “My Top Rated” playlists thinking that this would capture the bulk of my favorites. Unfortunately, I’m not terribly diligent in rating my music, and the list is a sparse sampling at best.

The web part. Pretty cool how you can surf the web (very quickly over wi-fi, excruciatingly slow over EDGE), zoom in and out, move around, etc. I find though, that it’s cool for coolness sake. Or, it’s cool because you’re able to do so much on such a small device. It does not replace surfing the web the usual way on a laptop/desktop, however. If given the choice to spend 3 hours surfing on a laptop or an iPhone, I would definitely choose the laptop. Even with the zooming, it’s just. so. small.

The e-mail part Look. It’s just crap, OK? It’s not crap because of the functionality, it’s not crap because of the interface, it’s crap because it doesn’t push exchange server mail like a BlackBerry. I (theoretically) paid $600 for a device that doesn’t do as much as something that costs half as much? I can get my floorpie.net mail there, and that’s cool, but if I want to access my work e-mail, I need to do it through the web, and that’s just an all around pain in the ass (not the iPhone’s fault, that one is Outlook’s).

The pictures part …is amazing! Just incredible. It’s exactly like you’re in Minority Report only perhaps a bit more advanced because it’s in the palm of your hand. It’s just super cool and there’s nothing to complain about. The camera is even kind of nice, with the pictures being displayed full-screen while you take them. No video mode, though? No zoom? No flash? $600 remember?

The phone part I almost forgot to write about this…and that should tell you how important it is. The phone is just a phone. I know it’s called iPhone. I know it’s the amalgamation of everything you ever wanted in life: an iPod, the internet, a phone, etc etc. But the phone is just a phone. The visual voicemail is definitely a fantastic feature, no question. But the phone is just a phone and has the same spotty service as every other cell phone in the world. You can’t do voice dialing, you can’t customize ringtones with your iTunes songs, and the speakerphone is surprisingly underpowered.

SO. My C+ maybe B-. What’s that all about? Again, this thing is incredible, awesome, cool, etc. The experience is amazing. It’s everything I would ever want…in an iPod; but, as an iPhone, where it’s supposed to be the next best thing since sliced-bread, and I’d hoped was a Blackberry killer…well, I just expected more for my $600. I expected push e-mail to work, I expected voice dialing, I expected IM chats, I expected greater than EDGE speeds, and I just didn’t get it. Take the phone out, lose the e-mail and web, bump up the memory to 60GB, and charge $350 for it and I’m right there in line with you..because the fact is, in the last week, all I’ve really used it for is all the stuff you’d do on an iPod. I’ve watched a ton of videos (and they look fantastic), I’ve scrolled through bunches of pictures, and I’ve played a bunch of music. I’ve only sporadically used the phone (finding my pocket-size one much more convenient), e-mail is a novelty, and the web is much more convenient from the computer right in front of me.

For the Apple fanboys, which I’m not quite one of despite my 2 iPods, this is definitely a must buy. For the corporate user, not so much until push e-mail becomes a reality. For Joe Consumer…I say wait until iPhone 2.0, that’s what I’m gonna do.

There are a few keys to blending in as a foreigner in Hong Kong.

Number one, and this is the most important, you can’t. Not really. For one, you’re obviously not Chinese (or Hong Kongese for those with that national pride). Sure, there are plenty of expats, or native holdovers from the British occupation that you look just like…but they’re not walking around in the places you’re walking around; and, even if they were, their eyes wouldn’t be opened quite as wide as yours are (no, that is not in reference to Asian vs. Western eye-shape; that is in reference to you walking around with saucers for eyes trying to take it all in).

Number two, and this I picked up only recently, you walk sloooooooow. Really slow. The locals walk slow. Why? Probably because it’s so frickin’ hot and muggy that to put too much effort into motion will leave you dripping sweat… and not in a good way like usual. The tourists, they’re always walking fast, because they’re used to doing so and because they have someplace to go. They have to see it all, in the short time they’re in town. So what you do is you stroll, to amble, you meander. Plus, much like a speeding red viper on the freeway, walking fast makes you stick out just that much more.

This one thing alone will cut down on the “Hello my friend. Copy watch? Copy bag?” and “Hi! Hungry handsome?” by at least 60%.

And now you know… and knowing is half the battle. Yo Joe!

So this asshole cop on a power trip arrests a bunch of 13-year old skateboarders, chokes at least 3 people (including a young girl) and near as I can tell, they’re all just standing there. via digg.

Tell everyone you know.

Best Soundbite Ever

From CNN’s Larry King Live which I have on in the background in my hotel room in China:

Larry: Thank you, Paris.
Paris: Thank you, Larry…
Larry: (turning to camera) Paris Hilton…tomorrow: Colin Powell

Awesome. I miss America.

I’d like to think it’s because I’m stunningly handsome and instantly unforgettable, but, I’m afraid that it’s much more likely that I’m one of the Westerners here. Either way, it is impossible for me to blend in here (in China), and after a mere week the greeter at the restaurant downstairs already knows that I’m in room 1322 and I prefer tea over coffee (yeah, I don’t drink coffee). The one room service lady who speaks English which they have to run to find every time I call has already remarked that I sure seem to like the Chinese food, because I keep ordering it day after day (this is true, however I would also argue that it could be because the Eastern take on Western food is astoundingly bad).

So you’re thinking, “sure, but you’ve been there a week and they see you every day.” True, but there are hundreds of people in this hotel, many of whom I’ve seen on multiple occasions, and the only thing that differentiates me from them is… well there are several, but the most obvious is that I’m a Westerner.

OK, and I’m a foot taller than everyone else.

Incidentally, speaking of Western food, I don’t miss it. If i had to pick one kind of food to eat the rest of my life, it would definitely be something from Asia. Having said that, though, I am starting to crave cheese. I’m not sure why Asia isn’t big on the dairy (refrigeration issues? no fields for grazing? just not interested? I dunno) but my body has noticed a conspicuous lack of cheese in my diet.

Last thing: you get so used to not talking to anyone when you’re in Asia, that when I got in the elevator with a blond haired, blue eyed girl, I just stared at her mutely for a second and then nodded my head in greeting. You’d think, starved for attention as much as I am, I might at least of said “hello”.

Look, Chinese TV sucks, there’s no two ways about it.

It has nothing to do with the fact that I can’t understand any of it, that barely bothers me at all. It also isn’t some prejudice against Chinese media, because I watch a lot of Chinese movies that most of you have never heard of.

It’s just that it sucks.

What isn’t ping-pong (sorry, table tennis) is either Chinese soap-operas (which look really poorly acted), or stuff like this on the left. Yeah, so that’s two skeleton marionettes dancing around, and playing The Offspring’s Pretty Fly (For a White Guy). The crowd was eating it up, which I find inexplicable. Then again, given the choices they have, I can see why this is entertaining.

I’m not sure why Chinese movies are so much better than the TV (or to put it another way, why TV is so much worse than the movies), but I think it has something to do with bootleg heroin.

I mean, it has to.

The thing about China is that you can (if you set your mind to it) bear anything that is thrown at you.

What would you like to eat?
Anything. Whatever’s good with you is good with me!
Really?
Really.
OK, then we’ll have the cat.
Outstanding, that’s my absolute favorite.

Which is funny because the above exchange actually happened, more or less. The more comes from the fact that the English was a little bit more broken, and the less comes from me being slightly less flippant, though nearly so.

This is also funny because even in rural China, they know the Westerners misconception of their culture. He didn’t realize it in the speed of his sly remark, but he was poking fun at me, and I could not help but accept it for the truth it represented.

Another thing you can bear (besides the non-stop Chinese language all around you… why is that, by the way? In English-speaking countries, the non-stop English all around you is of no distraction. Here, the non-stop Chinese is a constant struggle of translation. The strangeness of which is further compounded by the fact that unless they are saying “Hello, how are you?”, “Thank you”, and “Goodbye” over and over again, I have no hope of translating any of it) is the driving. Here, where careening in, around, and through cars, trucks, bikes, scooters, and pedestrians is the norm, if even one of the moves that is routinely done here were done back at home, I’d be white-knuckling it all the way to my destination. While I’m here, though, being a passenger in a speeding rocketship hovering within inches of a huge, poorly made truck in front of it is no cause for alarm. Nor is crossing into oncoming traffic to pass while narrowly missing a family of three crossing the highway. It’s no big deal.

What else? What else?

Advertising. Advertising, as a rule, is awful; but, in China it is especially so. You can easily distinguish the local advertising from the Western variety trying to blend in simply by the fact that the Western variety trying to blend in does a horrible job of actually doing so. The local variety, though I can’t read it, appears to primarily be large banners with whatever is being sold written straight across in Chinese characters. I assume the equivalent is something like this:

Maybe this is more effective if you’re actually a communist. I mean, it tells you what it is, and what kind of a deal you’re getting. Very efficient, and there’s a certain level of attractiveness in that, which I now recognize as I become assimilated.

The Western advertising seems largely the same, in that there is the same copy (I assume), only this time there is the addition of some kind of Asian star dressed in ridiculous branded-clothing. I don’t mean someone selling Adidas wearing Adidas stuff. I mean someone selling, say, Pepsi, wearing an Elvis-esque jumpsuit with Pepsi emblems emblazoned around the cuffs forming a flame pattern. They are all, to a man, giving you a sexy, yet sarcastic look. Like they know they are better than you, know that you know that they are better than you, know that you know that they know they are better than you, and know that you’re just fine with the lot of it.

Incidentally, the majority of the models, pop stars, actors, etc, are also men…which I find bewildering.

Also, why do they pair desks for giants with chairs for children here?

Why? What do you do at work?

I’ll tell you one thing, it’s not because I won the lottery.

This is how you know it’s getting bad: some gas stations (apparently) have a $50-cap on debit/ATM card purchases when you pay at the pump. I don’t know if this is some kind of state or federally mandated thing, or if it’s just something that gas stations do. I’m not sure what advantage they get out of only allowing you to spend $50 per transaction but whatever…

It’s getting bad when gas prices are so high, you can’t even fill up your tank because the pump automatically shuts off at $50. At first, I thought I had suddenly become an incredibly conscientious driver because I was suddenly getting 30 miles to the gallon. Then I realized that no, I had only put in 13 gallons the last time I “filled up”, instead of the customary 16.

Doesn’t it disturb anyone that gas stations have raised their prices so high, that they’ve actually priced themselves out of the market?