Things I’ve Learned While Unemployed: First in an Increasingly Likely Series

.: I now know, intimately, all of the characters on SpongeBob SquarePants
.: though highly touted in the reverse, money can indeed, buy happiness
.: it is entirely possible to subsist on only two food groups. As long as one of them is cheese and the other one is chips.
.: “outside” is only an imagined place, where “sun” shines and “people” go “places”
.: that motivation can be inversely proportional to business of schedule
.: that M*A*S*H is on 8 times a day
.: though now given the perfect opportunity, I still haven’t died my hair red or blond; or, seen what I’d really look like with a goattee

.: that when They say, “We’ll let you know early next week”, They don’t really mean “early” at all. In fact, They don’t intend to let you know anything, in any time frame, ever again. They say it knowing that They will never contact you, and will instead leave you hanging, twisting in a self-induced wind of worry, and wonder, and self-hatred. Should you have the audacity to contact them, They will chuckle audibly at your stupidity, saying without saying that they clearly reserved the right to play with your emotions by buying you lunch.

more as I learn.

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