The Day Time Stood Still
screen gets wavy, dream sequence ensues:
The year is 1991/1992. I’m a 16 or 17 year old high school student in the town of Redlands, CA, deep in the Inland Empire area of Southern Cali. I’d just gotten home from school, and was lying in front of the TV watching GI Joe cartoons (as per my usual after school wind-down routine). I probably had the taste of an apple (or various other nutritious snacks [mom’s a health-nut, too; but that’s another story]) dying on my tongue at this point, and was just beginning to nod off to the hypnotic sounds of, “Yo, JOE!” At this point, my mom comes walking down the hall, carrying something, and wakes me up.
Now my parents are from the East Coast…they are polite, and, well classy. Very cool, laid-back (I didn’t really have a curfew), yet conservative (Republicans)…we never really talked about the birds or the bees, some things were better just left unsaid in the Kleeman household. But I digress… A conversation takes place that makes my heart stop…literally.
As I said, my mom walks over to me and says:
Mom: David, this is your mother’s diaphragm. (holds it up for me to see)
Dave: (sputtering and quickly going blind) Ack! huh! gah! WHAT??!!
Mom: (mistaking my “what?!” as a question, instead of the shock of my blood turning to strawberry jello) My DIAPHRAGM…it’s what keeps your mother from getting pregnant!”
Dave: (ears filling with blood) ARRRRRGHH! I know! I know! Oh my GAWD!
So, my mind has blocked the rest of the afternoon out; but I believe I shooed her away and pulled myself into the fetal position for a while.
At this point in the story, Ariel interjects, laughing, and totally floors me with a realization:
ams: Wait–so she talked about her diaphragm and herself in third person?
dak: isn’t that hilarious?! that’s not her usual m.o., either
ams: it’s not like YOU could use a diaphragm.
dak: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Err, WHAT?!
ams: I could see the ol’ condom and banana thing.
ams: But not “ok, Dave, this is a diaphragm. Here’s how it works.”
dak: holy crap, I never realized that…that�s hilarious! that’s gonna have to be turned into a post