Jen HewittThe Oscars was on a few weeks ago or whenever the fuck, and I couldn’t have cared less.

>Despite the fact that I spend every day in Hollywood, and am inundated by tourists asking for my autograph and starlets asking for my number, I’m still less than interested in Hollywood’s biggest night. I’m sure 80% of it is just the bitterness that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. 30% is probably that I still haven’t replaced my burned-up TV and therefore have no real knowledge of anything entertainment-related. And another 57% is just the fact that I didn’t see any of the movies nominated this year except Munich (really really good).

Also, I was sleeping or something.

One thing I do care about is that perennial dream girl Jennifer Love Hewitt looked incredible. Of course.

I often wonder what will happen when I run into her picking up suntan lotion and toilet paper at Walgreen’s, and I’m pretty sure there will be a lot of internal panic, and then outward cool and calm falling over a display pile of 30% off diuretics. Not enough “O’s” in coooooool…

Eddie Van who?Also incredible? Eddie van Halen. What in holy hell happened to the king of 80’s rock? I can’t be sure, but the fact that Eddie looks like the villian in Scooby Doo might have something to do with Valerie Bertinelli divorcing him. Oh, also his rampant alcoholism.

>Lesson learned kids: Jack Daniels, in excess, loses you women.
Jack Daniels, in moderation, gets you women.

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