ScarlettTony Pierce is an old man. 108, 109, something in that neighborhood; I forget and it’s impolite to ask. Even at his advanced age, though, he gets the young ladeez. And why is that, you ask? Is it his fat wallet? His stunning good looks? His power in politics? His love affair with the silver screen?

It is none of these things.

Instead, it’s that he’s 108, 109, and learned a few things along the way.

Ladies and gentlemen, I ain’t no Tony Pierce. I am, however, Dave Kleeman, 106 years old if I’m a day, and I’ve apparently learned a few things as well; because lately 21 year olds have been dropping from the sky. No small trick when you’re temporarily holed up in a loaner apartment with just a bed and no refrigerator until your burned-out, fire-bombed, overcooked, real place is being un-destroyed.

Some may say that would leave you with the essentials, but they’re just trying to be coy. Anyone who thinks you don’t need a refrigerator is clearly on crack. Where else do you put your leftover pizza for breakfast?

Being as old as I am, having 21 year old blond-haired, blue-eyed, kids call you is obviously an affront to several religions. Churches don’t agree on a lot of things amongst themselves, but they would probably agree with that. Especially when they’re the type of young girl that casually suggest we go to Chocolat on Melrose without batting an eye… and then ask if “Leon” is there when we do.


Oh, and before I forget, because we’re all star f’ers here in Hollywood, at the table to my right was Greg Proops of Whose Line is it Anyway fame. He was holding court and getting the big laughs. I took a moment to wonder if his friends thought he was really funny, or if they were supposed to think he was really funny. I have not, however, ever laughed as consistently hardwatching TV as I have watching Whose Line (especially the British version). Trust me, that son of a b is funny.

And she didn’t even know who he was. Because she was so young, you see. And from Europe. Too cute.

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