There are two ways I can go after yet another night of very little sleep… I’m sure you can guess: either I’m really tired the next day, or completely wired. Today, despite 4.5 hours of sleep, I’m completely wired. I can’t sit still, don’t want to sit still, and can’t wait to be doing something other than sitter here, still.
I assume at some point I will come crashing tragically down, but it seems pretty unlikely at this moment.
This insomnia thing, which has been plagueing me inconsistently since around high school, is an interesting phenomenon. I went on a fairly good stretch of actually sleeping nearly like a normal person over the last year. I still woke up a few times per night, and it still took at least 20 minutes to actually fall asleep, but I would be tired by around 11:30 and want to go to bed. No more. Now, as in last night, I have to actually bargain with myself to go to bed. It’s 2:30 in the morning, I should have been asleep for a couple of hours, but there I sit, bargaining with myself:
OK, it's 2:30 now. If I brush my teeth and go to bed, I'll be asleep by 3:00... which gives me 4.5 hours of sleep until morning. I should get moving
I’m not tired
I will be tomorrow!
Am I sure?
I...no. I think I will be. Don't normal people get tired after 4.5 hours of sleep for 2 months at a time?
I don’t think I would call me normal.
And on and on. In the end, I just have to force myself to go lie in bed; under the premise that it’s for my own good. Every time I do, though, I get the distinct feeling that I could just as easily stay up all night. It almost feels like I finally fall asleep out of boredom.