I can already see how’s it going to happen. I’ll walk in with a faint smile and will be greeted by a larger one. Lambs to slaughter, no idea of their fate. I’ve mulled over a number of opening lines and they’re associated reactions, and I am having difficulty in finding the one leading to the path of least resistance. The process, I imagine, is not unlike choosing baby names for their non-teasability.

Patrick?
Fat Pat
>Ray?
Gay Ray (not that there’s anything wrong with it)
Richard?
You’re kidding, right?

Unfortunately, each and every fantasy leads down the path of mouths open in shock, lamentations, eventual hatred, and inexplicably burning my desk while fashioning a voodoo effigy of me, all while chanting some kind of company mantra. I am not looking forward to it.

So far, I’ve gone through:

Hi _____, so… I have some bad news for you.
[laughter] oh really, what’s up? Are you quitting or something? [laughter]

Hi ____, uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Oh no, what’s wrong with The Project? Is everything OK? What, are you quitting or something? [laughter]

Hi ____. Um, you may have noticed that I’ve been pretty distracted, lately.
>Before you say anything else, congratulations, you’re being promoted!

In all seriousness, as of this moment I am going with the last one.
>
Non-interesting fun-fact, by the way: I often (as in daily) run over conversations and possible outcomes in my head (and out-loud). I’m not sure why I do this, I’m not actually rehearsing (as I never say what I ran over). I think I’m just trying to take the sting out of an uncomfortable situation, or say something I’d like to say to someone but won’t for reasons of decorum. And yes, I do answer my own points as if I was the other person.

In other words, I totally talk to myself.

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