floorpie

Absolutely hypnotic

via ev

B5 d t k+ s+ u f i+ o x+ e+ l- c-

I am becoming a lemming

Coolest. Show. Ever

Did you see Michael Jackson on his 30th Anniversary Special?! SO cool! This was one of the few times that I didn’t think the best part of the show was when Britney Spears showed up (although, might I just say: *drool*).

What was the best part you ask? Well, besides the obvious one of the view my neighbors had as I kicked down my ol skool breakdance skilz, replete with moonwalking and popping… there was the appearance of The Jacksons (which is really just the Jackson 5, plus one last brother who got on the bandwagon late [you know who you are Randy]). Seeing the family up there, singing and dancing like back in the day, brought back fond highelementary-school memories of listening to the original MJ, wearing parachute pants, and practicing backspins in my driveway.

I’m totally inspired, now, to dig through my old tapes…

The Day Time Stood Still

Ariel sent me reeling over IM last night (in much the same way another friend did a while ago) in her reaction to a story I was telling her. To wit:

screen gets wavy, dream sequence ensues:

The year is 1991/1992. I’m a 16 or 17 year old high school student in the town of Redlands, CA, deep in the Inland Empire area of Southern Cali. I’d just gotten home from school, and was lying in front of the TV watching GI Joe cartoons (as per my usual after school wind-down routine). I probably had the taste of an apple (or various other nutritious snacks [mom’s a health-nut, too; but that’s another story]) dying on my tongue at this point, and was just beginning to nod off to the hypnotic sounds of, “Yo, JOE!” At this point, my mom comes walking down the hall, carrying something, and wakes me up.

Now my parents are from the East Coast…they are polite, and, well classy. Very cool, laid-back (I didn’t really have a curfew), yet conservative (Republicans)…we never really talked about the birds or the bees, some things were better just left unsaid in the Kleeman household. But I digress… A conversation takes place that makes my heart stop…literally.

As I said, my mom walks over to me and says:

Mom: David, this is your mother’s diaphragm. (holds it up for me to see)

Dave: (sputtering and quickly going blind) Ack! huh! gah! WHAT??!!

Mom: (mistaking my “what?!” as a question, instead of the shock of my blood turning to strawberry jello) My DIAPHRAGM…it’s what keeps your mother from getting pregnant!”

Dave: (ears filling with blood) ARRRRRGHH! I know! I know! Oh my GAWD!

So, my mind has blocked the rest of the afternoon out; but I believe I shooed her away and pulled myself into the fetal position for a while.

At this point in the story, Ariel interjects, laughing, and totally floors me with a realization:

ams: Wait–so she talked about her diaphragm and herself in third person?

dak: YES!

dak: isn’t that hilarious?! that’s not her usual m.o., either

ams: it’s not like YOU could use a diaphragm.

dak: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Err, WHAT?!

ams: I could see the ol’ condom and banana thing.

ams: But not “ok, Dave, this is a diaphragm. Here’s how it works.”

dak: holy crap, I never realized that…that�s hilarious! that’s gonna have to be turned into a post

I’m more than a little dismayed that Dave Thomas died, and I’m a little confused by the feeling. It’s not like I knew the guy, or even go to Wendy’s all that often. There was a period during my senior year in college where we would go to the UCEN between engineering classes, and often grab some Wendy’s before Thermo, but that’s about the extent of my love affair with the spicy-chicken sandwhich. Strange then, that I should find his death so tragic…I can’t imagine even blinking if I found out that Ronald McDonald #3,478 kicked it.

Two Guys Doing Inventory of the Snowboard Pants

Guy 1: Dude, have you ever thrown anything at a car before?

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: On purpose?

Guy 2: How the hell do you throw something at a car on accident?!

Guy 1: (laughs) Dude, there was this crab-apple tree, right? And the thing to do was to huck the rotten crab apples hecka far. So, this one time, we were throwing apples, and I chucked one hecka high, right? I mean this thing was totally hecka high up, and just as it started to come back down, a car turned the corner…

Guy 2: Uh-oh (chuckling)

Guy 1: It totally hit the car right in the windshield! (cracking up) We didn’t know what to do, so I pulled on my buddy and we just started walking the other way like nothing happened. We were the only two guys on the street!

Guy 2: (laughing) Did they go after you?!

Guy 1: Totally, and they were all, “What the fuck?!”, but it was really just an accident, so… (pause) What did you do?

Guy 2: I egged a car once…

Guy 1: On purpose?

Guy 2: Yeah on purpose! (whispers) we were egging houses, and we drove by this car and I chucked one at it

Guy 1: Was there anybody in it?

Guy 2: Naw, but I threw it, and the window was open. It went right through the window and exploded inside!

Guy 1: Yo, that’s hecka mean! (laughing)

pause, while they chat with the manager for a few moments. Dave stifles laughter while browsing through the ski gloves, and tries to commmit everything to memory

Guy 1: So, I threw a milkshake into a car filled with people once…

You’ve come a long way, baby…

Tomorrow is my one-year blogiversary. Such auspicious beginnings, for a wayward lad such as I.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do to celebrate; but, as I’m the god of sorts of this little land, I suppose that on my seventh day I should rest. Happy Birthday to me!

You’ve gotta love Hotmail. I’m not sure how to take this:

Men will Notice!

>> 100% Proven and Guaranteed! <<

I mean, I haven’t even started the estrogen treatments, yet (or gotten rid of that pesky heterosexuality for that matter); is it really wise to start the breast enlargement treatment already?

You learn a lot of things on your journey through Life. You learn how to be nice to people, and how to hurt them. You learn when to hold on and when to let go. You learn when to walk away and when to run. Sometimes you pause, usually around these times, and take a look back at the trail you�ve left behind. You wince at some things, cry over others, laugh like you used to over many, and for the majority, hopefully, you just smile.

There are people in your life that you will always remember, though never see again. They will always be remembered for how they were, captured perhaps in the middle of a smile or with the guilty look of someone caught in the act. You�ll hear there voice echo in your head as they re-speak that thing they once said that left a mark on your brain. We all have these people, hundreds of them; and, in looking back at the trail I�ve left behind, I wonder what my memory might have looked like without them, and thank fate that I�ll never have to know.

So, for all my soldiers out there who have come and gone, I salute you. Be brave young scout.

There is another source of wealth and dignity from which you can relate to other fellow human beings. You can relate to them because you are still a human being, within the human community. You share that bond. And that human bond is enough to give rise to a sense of worth and dignity. That bond can become a source of consolation in the event that you lose everything else. – His Holiness the Dalai Lama

My New Years