floorpie

Christmas Ham

I’m not good at Christmas this year. For whatever reason, I am woefully behind, and have approximately zero ideas for anyone. Ironically, this is my first Christmas after recovering from being laid-off. By rule, I should be showering friends and family with elaborate, well-thought gifts that make up for all the bought-meals and moral support of the last year and a half. The reality, though is that I got nuthin’.

I keep a list of gift ideas for ADG that I add to throughout the year. What with Christmas, Valentine’s Day, her birthday, our anniversary, and Arbor Day, there are a lot of reasons to celebrate where gifts may be appropriate. Looking over my list, though, nothing looks good. Home cotton candy maker? What?!

Luckily (or not, depending on how you look at it) ADG has not only told me what she wants, but already bought it. So, for all intents and purposes, I’m giving her a check for Christmas.

Lame.

I like to surprise people with gifts. I like to make them feel good where they had no strict plans to feel so that day. I like them to know that not only did I get them something, but the something that I got them was shockingly appropriate and thoughtful. “Merry Christmas, here’s a check for that thing you bought that I didn’t notice for a week”, just isn’t quite the sentiment that I’m going for.

Frantic thinking and internet searching begins… now!

Sometimes I don’t understand myself. The things that amuse me, anyway. You may recall the Keyser Soze experiment, wherein I placed a Post-It note on a Coke in the community fridge of an office I did some contract work at. The soda remained, claimed by Mr. Soze, for the entire time I worked there and, as legend has it, remains to this day.

This amused me greatly.

Today I did something else drink-related, that is even more bewildering as it really only affects me. There are several 6-packs worth of sodas in our community fridge that are reserved for a Director’s meeting later this month (as explained by a large note). These sodas are not to be touched.

DO NOT TOUCH, it says… though in truth there may also be a PLEASE tacked to the front of that.

Next to this fridge, is a normal coin-operated Pepsi machine. I started getting the caffeine-withdrawal shakes earlier this afternoon; and, needing relief, went to buy myself a Pepsi. Seeing the sign, seeing the machine, and seeing the sign again, I bought a Pepsi from the machine, opened the fridge, and replaced one of the precious Director-drinks with the one I just bought. This has kept me on a mischief-high for like 3 hours.

You see? Bewilderingly stupid, but entertains me to no end.

How can I simultaneously be so busy and feel like I’ve done nothing today?

Taipei 101

The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.

-Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Almost Famous

I’m not a particularly big fan of abbreviations or nicknames for national holidays. I’m not sure whether it’s because I don’t think they give the proper deference to the occasion, or whether I just find it annoying in general. “Happy Turkey-Day!” for instance, sends shivers up my spine. Other notable offenses:

.: X-mas: Christmas
.: V-Day” Valentine’s Day
.: Columbus Day: North American Indigenous People’s Day.

I’m sure you get the idea.

So, in the full spirit of the holiday: Happy Thanksgiving!

In regards to my earlier post, I don’t mean to illustrate my own global ignorance more than necessary, but, seriously, everyone in Taiwan is Asian.

And I love that.
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In going around Taipei this last week, save for the 10-foot radius around the Grand Hyatt hotel, I saw:

.: 4 people of apparent Indian descent. They were a family, obviously on vacation, and they seemed shocked to see me.
.: One “Westerner”, as I am called out here. He was married to an Asian woman, though, and I got the impression she was from Taipei, or the surrounding area.
.: that’s it

I didn’t find this disturbing or astounding, but I did find it interesting. You will notice that there were no Hispanic or African descents listed above. None. As in: not even one. There were, admittedly, most likely a multitude of different Asian cultures swirling around my ignorance; but, I was unable to differentiate between them.

Tonight, I went to dinner with one of my Taiwanese co-workers, his wife, and one of his children. The boy, about two or three maybe, was at first afraid to even look at me (let alone try his English “hello”) and then fairly fascinated by me. In talking to his dad, I was really the first Westerner he’d seen up close. TV and movies, sure; but, living, breathing, and right next to him! What a shock.

So yeah, Taiwan rocks.

Positioned correctly, and with the door open, I can watch T.V. while sitting on the toilet in my hotel room.

Pity that I should only figure this out on the morning of my check-out.

A Statistical Aside

The Golden State Warriors are in last place in the Pacific Division, and last place in the Western Conference. They are also unofficially in a four-way tie for second in the Atlantic Division.

This illustrates why west is best (at basketball) ba-bee.

Considering the amount of traffic congestion, the thousands of scooters within a hair of a multitude of objects, the apparent understanding that lane-lines are merely suggestions, and the rampant disregard for such antiquated theories as “traffic laws”, horn-blows and tire-squeals are at a bare minimum. I have yet, in fact, to hear a horn really blown in anger; and have only heard a couple of informational taps, solely to make pedestrians aware that their baby may indeed be run over in the next several seconds.

Of course, this just may mean that the Taiwanese are politely and discreetly running over each other without fuss or noise.

In truth, it seems instead as if the chaos is really a delicate equilibrium, where every motorist is bounced and buoyed off of the one next to them, resulting in a perpetually moving, well-balanced mass. Many taxis (and a few cars), in fact, have these upward-pointing metal rods extending from the sides of their front bumpers. As well as I can figure out, these are one of two things:

1. Electrified cattle-prods that rotate downward to shock pedestrians into movement.
2. Force-field generators

There really should also be an option 3 above, as there is the possibility that they are multi-purpose.