floorpie

They’re stockpiling water in Goeppingen-Jebenhausen, Germany (you know, Goeppingen-Jebenhausen… they have that great kraut place on the corner of Vershenkeller and Jegokleemaner?) as the European heat wave’s death toll hits 3,000.

That is a lot of dead.

Especially considering that the total coalition losses in the WAR in Iraq only amount to 312 [reported here with as much detail and accuracy as possible]). That heat is a harsh mistress.

Seque into more depressing statistics: As reported very interestingly here, the total civilian death toll currently stands between 6,087 and 7,798… which puts all manner of visions in my head (hopskotch games interrupted by flaming death and whatnot), you know?

At any rate, it’s hot; which probably means that The Apacolypse is not far behind (burn off the weak, drown the strong, 4-horsemen the rest, or some combination thereof). As such, I have some things to say to a lot of you. So, fill in as appropriate:

Dear _________

I've been meaning to tell you, you are such a ________.
I hope you ________.
I ____ing _______ you.

________,
Dave

Hello Darkness, my old friend…

I ran into Hemant Lakhani’s lawyer in the market this morning. He was buying soy milk, a case of Mylanta, and more Pepsi’s than even I could probably stomach. He seemed pretty down in the dumps so I asked him what was wrong.

Well, for starters, I’m totally fucked.

Really, why do you say that?

Have you even SEEN my client?! Hemant’s so guilty I want to vomit with excitement every time I see him

True, but it could be cool… you’ll get press coverage, more clients…

More clients?! Which ones? The ones that WANT to lose? There’s no way I can win this. What, plead insanity?! Well OF COURSE he’s insane, that’s the whole point of being an insane terrorist!

Maybe you’re right.

Maybe I’m right about what?

Maybe you’re right, you are totally fucked… good luck with the whole “lawyer” thing.

He wandered off into the colonic aisle (this is L.A., they have entire aisles just for that sort of thing), looking sad and broken. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, I mean, how could you even pretend to want to defend a case like that?

The L.A. Times is reporting that Gray Davis is trying a new strategy of appearing devoted to his job as Governor:

On Saturday… Davis signed legislation to ban toxic flame retardants. On Monday, he endorsed an antidiscrimination measure… Today, he will support abortion-related legislation with women’s rights activists… Also today, the administration is scheduled to announce the state’s first new gambling agreement with an Indian tribe.

In a daily stream of public appearances… the governor has sought to project the image of a man consumed with the work of running the nation’s biggest state.

I know that we, the masses, are a largely ignorant lot; but, are we really going to be impressed by a couple of days of the back-breaking labor of shaking hands and kissing babies?

OK, normally I’d say “yes”, we are just that easily fooled; but, with his approval rating somewhere in the low 20’s and with compelling candidates such as The Terminator and Arnold Drummond, I don’t think he stands even the hint of a ghost of a chance.

Personally, I voted for Gray twice. I think this recall indeed sets a dangerous precedent. However I also think that the State’s whatever-billion dollar deficit has hurt me and mine; and, though perhaps not the sole cause of it, Gray, as governor, is responsible for it. That’s just the kind of hard hit you have to take when you are in a position of power.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any strong liberal candidates at the moment (Cruz Busta-who?), which is why a socially democratic republican like Arnold (Schwarzenegger this time) is so attractive to Democratic California… plus he was the star of Kindergarten Cop, so he’s got that going for him, too.

Not speaking of which but sorta, SNL might actually be really good this week for a change.

This year (and every year thereafter) New York will turn on the Tribute in Lights to honor those lost in September 11th. The ephemeral towers will reappear for one night only; and be accompanied at the actual site by a small ceremony where the names of the deceased will be read, and the families will have the chance to lay flowers in remembrance. It seems an appropriate tribute, and serves as a powerful reminder.

It’s that last part that upsets me. It does serve as a powerful reminder, and as we approach the two-year anniversary of the attacks I can’t help but remember the revenge and punishment we were supposed to have wreaked upon our enemies by now.

I think the fact that I had to think for a few seconds to come up with the name Osama bin Laden is less a testament of my poor memory, and more of an indication of how much the supposed mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks has fallen off the radar; supplanted instead by a trumped up war against an old enemy, Saddam Hussein.

Not to imply that Saddam isn’t a bad guy. He is. Or was. We’ll see. It’s just that we were to have had justice by now. The families of some 6,800 victims were to have had their revenge.

We’ll never feel totally safe again, that much is a certainty. The attacks set an ugly precedent for other hopeful terrorists; it showed them that all of their wild, insane dreams are possible. I was hoping, though, to at least not have to fear one particular enemy. So c’mon Bushy-baby, show us what you’re made of.

Fan mail

Hooray! I have some haters:

Crappyjokehater@aol.com:
You know what? I’m all about freedom of speech, but your shitty jokes are UNBELIEVABLE. Do you realize how retarded you sound with this lame material? I’m sorry, but as you can tell by my email address, i just can’t tolerate this kind of thing. If you want some pointers on really funny shit, you can email me aNY TIME. It’ll do you (and your poor unentertained readers) good.

ariallova@yahoo.com
WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ADG????????? DON"T USE BOOT ACRONYMS THAT RETARDED PEOPLE LIKE LINDA WON"T UNDERSTAND!!!

Anonymous
BOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!

Strokemehared@aol.cum:
Who cares what you did NO ONE!!!!!

Your life is super boring. You can at least lie a little bit just to make it more interesting. I’m with Lucifer on his(?) prior comment on the horrendous jokes. However I think that you can also add a few lies, spice it up a bit. Tell us how many times do you masterbate in a day? What gets you off? How often do you get laid? Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Do you smoke illeagal substances? ANYTHING!! AT ALL, MAN!! The only interesting part of your journal are the comments. LIE TO US!!!

Sandi
Um,like whatever who cares
I’m easy.
I’ll cum…i mean come to you wherever you live
443-243-4100
CALL ME! YOU ARE SOOO HOT!!
I AM TOO!!

So that’s pretty cool. It’s good to get reminders about how the reason I get all of this advertising money, these sponsorships, and this really amazing tax-deferred stipend is because I’m paid to entertain the masses. I had forgotten that once I’d stopped doing whatever the hell I wanted and begain to draw a serious salary, I had the additional obligation to perform like the monkey I am.

My only real solace comes from the knowledge that my most appreciated and honest critics, though valuable, will never return what with my overwhelming suckitude. Ce la vie.

PS ADG is short for A.D.G. Water Gardens, my favorite water lilly and mini-pond accessories supplier. With A.D.G. Water Gardens, “You can have your own heaven on earth; providing peace, serenity, and family enjoyment year-round!”

Great weekend. Involved a lot of the beach. Much hanging of ten, as well as of loose, was had. Food was involved, in large quantities, as were friends.

Cingular, however, can bite me.

I’ve been seeing a lot of unfortunate advertising lately. Just today, while walking down the street, a panel truck went by with a business name emblazoned on the side in big red letters:

Obviously, if given a second, anyone could surmise that They were referring to bar stools; but, I didn’t have a second and immediately wondered what kind of stools they were actually selling. Cat? Dog? Deer?

After that, I arrived at my destination, Taco Bell (how apropos). Let it be known that I’m pretty much over Taco Bell. Back in the day, I couldn’t get enough of it (remind me to tell you about the two 12-packs someday); but nowadays, the place generally makes me sick… which is why I thought it was funny when my friend pointed out their new promotion: Drink Big, Win Gas!

I’d wager almost everyone is a winner, in that case.

Mortuary’s are an odd lot. They are at once discreet, yet unapologetic of function. Also, they are, without exception, named after their owner(s).

In High School, I dated a girl whose family owned a local mortuary. I don’t recall ever having actually stepped inside, though both she and her sister worked their from time to time. There may have been drop-offs and pick-ups from time to time, but I was never terribly interested in delving into the seedy underbelly of the mortuary business, and she was never terribly interested in showing me (oh how I would be more than giddy for the grand tour were it now instead of then). I did, however, get a little giddy thrill whenever I drove by and saw her last name in lights, as it were.

“Yep, that’s my girlfriend,” I’d think proudly, “Queen of the Dead.”

OK, so I added the “Queen of the Dead” part; but how droll that would have been if I’d been as witty then.

At any rate, mortuaries are always named for their owners, which has always struck me as odd… until today. That is to day, it still seems odd to me, but I understand it more. What kind of decorum, really, can you expect by having names such as these?:

.: Classy Cadavers
.: Big Zack’s Zippy Zombies
.: 1-Hour Mortuaring
.: McMortuary

What’s that? Is this elevator going down?

So I’m writing this post, literally in the middle of the night, from a Kinko’s.

Yeah, long story.

Let me tell you a little something about not having any money.

Ready?

Here goes:

it sucks

Don’t say I never told you anything useful.