floorpie

My dad is hilarious. We have a very similar sense of humor, and every time I talk to him he says at least 5 things that really crack me up; so much so that I even giggle (I mean “chuckle”, yeah, grrr, football, beer, mucle cars) about them later. In talking to him a few minutes ago, he mentioned that he and my mom were about to go out and buy him a new suit. Being a guy who wears mostly jeans to work, I was incredulous, and hilarity ensued:

Me: “Whatdya need a new suit for?!”
Dad: “Well, you know…the more you wear a suit, the smaller it gets.”
Me: “Well yeah, of course, so…?”
Dad: “So, I have a few suits, that I’ve worn so many times over the years…”
Me: “Ahh, I understand…”

I went to an amazing lecture/exhibit by one of my favorite designers, Karim Rashid at the CCAC last night. I have no humorous anecdotes about that, and can only say that it was very inspiring. Karim has an interesting philosophy when it comes to appreciation of artistic mediums of any kind (be it consumer products, furniture, sculpture, etc), where he rejects the idea that people should “like” or “dislike” something. He hates it when he hears people in museums or exhibitions, and watches people examine a piece for a few minutes, and then declare there preference. Instead, he asserts that we should make informed decisions based on our own research and intimate knowledge with the product or piece. In that case, purchases become less a measure of aesthetic preference, and more a decision based on form AND functionality.

I was out late last night, so my alarm this morning was even less welcome than usual. I was hovering in that quasi-sleep/awake state where you could just as easily jump out of bed as slip back into dreams. I was on my way back under when the radio news played a snippet of conversation with Mr. Crocodile Dundee himself, Paul Hogan. The interviewer had somehow tied Survivor II into the conversation, I assume the reason being that Paul is from Australia, therefore he should be able to speak for all things Australian. (ahem). At any rate, in reference to the cut scenes showing crocs sliding into the water or basking on beaches, Hogan explained that they had to have been shot somewhere away from the SII camps. Apparently, where there are crocodiles in Australia, there are crocodiles in Australia, meaning that area inhabited by the animals are absolutely crawling with them. Paul want on to say how if SII was really shot in those areas, they wouldn’t be calling it Survivor, they’d call it Let’s Watch People Die.

I love that guy.

One of my colleagues just took the office to a Persian restaurant. He’s a native and fascinated me by ordering everything in his first language. I don’t know what it is, but I am absolutely transfixed by people of other cultures speaking in their own tongue. Even if they’re only saying, “Hmmm, bring some yogurt with garlic, that should freak out my white friends.” At any rate, it was really, really good.

Also, check out Stick Figures Kicking Much Martial Arts Ass (via Kottke). I watched it all the way through without blinking…

While I was signing in at Cisco, the admin asked me why I always show up dressed casually-hip in jeans, cargos, T-shirts, etc; while the people I’m with dress in suits, or, the Silicon Valley Uniform of slacks with tucked-in button-down rolled-up long-sleeve shirts. She only blinked at me when I told her it was because I’m an insubordinate rebel; but, my boss backed me up by interjecting that I was good at my job, so they let me slide.

More importantly, though, what?! Don’t I look like I’m two steps away from leading a revolt?! Can’t you see me throwing away the chains of my laptop, cell-phone, and PDA to take the helm of my hand-picked insurgents and storm the castle of The Silicon Valley Machine?!

Hey, it could happen…

Following one of Ern’s links to the story that Obi-Wan may have been using the Force on Yoda (right? right? wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more [sorry, I’m just trying to continue the string of Ba-dum-dum-CHING {sound it out} jokes]), I stopped and wondered why none of the news agencies that I click through daily seem to be reporting this kind of stuff.

Turns out there’s this whole “gay movement” going on and they’ve got their own “gay news” (please, please, please be getting the good-natured sarcasm). At any rate, while browsing around for more “gay topics” (man, that’s the joke that just keeps giving), I stumbled upon an article about Dr. Laura being cancelled. Awesome. (yeah, I know it was two weeks ago). I can’t tell you how stoked I am about that, as I consider her the devil incarnate…and not the cool devil, that all the kids are hanging out with these days, but the really bad devil that lays Hitler eggs and spits Ebola virus.

I can remember the last time I listened to her in earnest was the show she’s now most famous for where she called homosexuality “deviant”. I recall having my mouth drop open in amazement and little thunder clouds of angry form over my head. Being heterosexual, in this case, doesn’t preclude me from recognizing when someone is: Just. A. Stupid. Jerk.

If you needed any more proof that AOL sucks: according to my referral page, I’m number 5 on AOL Search for stuff to say to girls. Ahem. Anyone who’s met me knows that my game barely rates in the top 30,000, let alone the top 5.

Here’s an excerpt from an IM conversation with a friend of mine. Excuse the spelling, the names have been changed to protect the innocent, and my friend’s Asian lest you are offended by anything:

Me says:
I think a chair is starting to grow out of my ass
He says:
that’s what i need
Me says:
it’s pretty damn comfy, and conveniently made of ass material
He says:
100% genuine ASS?
Me says:
nothing but the best
He says:
killer, i can only find the 50% ASS 30% polyester 20% nylon kind
Me says:
those are the knock-offs
He says:
cheap knock–offs
Me says:
you’ve been shopping in China Town haven’t you?
He says:
yeah …. they have ASS?
Me says:
roflmao…why do you keep capitalizing ASS?!
He says:
hahahahha…. like it’s a patented product
Me says:
lol
He says:
hahahah i’m dying here
Me says:
ASS, now in 5 fun colors!
He says:
and a variety of textures
Me says:
Dave-ASS, when you demand the best
He says:
it’s so soft and i like the ridges
Me says:
well, yeah, the ridges are the key
He says:
so why china town?
Me says:
that’s where all the ASS knock-offs are sold
He says:
oh yeah…. they come up to the gwai los and try to sell it
Me says:
Hey Joe! You like-a the ASS? Good ASS! Real cheap!
He says:
yoo wanta da ASS?! five dolla,
He says:
very very cheapb – hahahahaa
Me says:
oh man, I’m dying…

My Notes From Yesterday’s Staff Meeting

– Look for Clients w/ work
   &nbsp-; Do not look for needles in haystacks
   &nbsp-; Look for needles in needlestacks
– morale sinking fast (doodle of my head being blown up by a gun with “Cisco” on it)
– invent Lightbulb II (doodle of Japanese speaking ants walking into an ant-trap [for no apparent reason])

So there you go, the inside view of a multi-national corporation in the Silicon Valley power struggle for supremacy.

So I was all, “Yo China, thousand pardons and stuff about the whole bumper-planes dealie. Be a bud and ship my shit back post haste, yo.”

And there all, “Apology accepted, white-devils, here are your undereducated, lazy American workers.”

So, I’m like, “Yo China, about that ‘sorry’? Sike!!!”

-George Bush

Gotta love the third grade school-yard politcs…