floorpie

I’ve lived for a fairly good bit, and I’ve seen a few things. I would conservatively say that there’s probably less I haven’t seen than what I have. So, taking all of that into account, I think it would be pretty fair to say that I know what is totally, completely, awesome.

>This is totally, completely, awesome.

If you want any real indication of how lame I am, I only have 6 friends on my Friendster profile.

And I apparently care about this.

And I’m blogging about it.

This is how lame I am.

I don’t think I’ve logged onto Friendster since it was big, back in the 80’s, and I was only motivated to do so now because a friend told me to check out her profile to see if I knew this other friend. I don’t. (see above: lame)

I started doing what all good lemmings do, though, and looked through all my friends pictures… then my friends friends… then searching for people that I thought might be lurking somewhere… and on and on.

It was a little sad.

I did not, at least do all this in the dark, dressed only in tightie-whities, with pizza grease running down my chin… it was a microwave burrito.

The WB’s Beauty and the Geek renewed for a second season:

Geek premiered June 1 to good reviews. “At last,” Ray Richmond wrote in the Hollywood Reporter, “a reality show that smacks of something remotely clever and doesn’t leave you feeling in need of a long, hot shower at the end.”
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A departure from the usual dating and makeover shows its title sounds as if it could have been applied to, Beauty and the Geek pairs seven “academically challenged” women with seven “socially challenged” men. The mismatched team that learns the most from each other is rewarded with insight into how the other half lives–and $250,000.

That’s fine. I have half-watched an episode, and I didn’t find it exceptionally repulsive. There are hott dumb chicks in it “falling” for dorks like me… what’s not to like?

The thing I do take umbrage with, is the part of the copy that references The Kutcher’s assumed book smarts, as if he’s one of the Geeks himself. After all, “Kutcher, himself a onetime biochemical engineering major, is an executive producer of Geek.”

Right.

You know, call me crazy, but just about anyone can be a onetime biochemical engineering major, can’t they? I knew a hell of a lot of onetime mechanical engineering majors in school that became, “somehow”, long-term communications or economics (because the math transferred, you see) majors.

And I’m pretty sure The Kutcher gets the Beauties because he’s also a onetime model… not that Organic Chemistry doesn’t get the ladeez all hot.

Love Google but find yourself to fat and lazy to actually read the results? Try Speegle instead. Pick the sultry “female voice” and hear your digital seductress say such phrases as Long Dong Silver and “dildo factory” to your heart’s content!

The thing about the commercials for women’s razors, see, is that their legs are already shaved before they lather up. With the guys, is all about, how much stubble can we shave off this Marlboro man for the new age; but with the ladeez… their legs are already silky smooth.

Truth in advertising?

At around 2:30PST I noticed that, according to the “online meter” in my sidebar (you know, the thing that most likely pathetically says 1 online right now), that 28 people were online at that moment.
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This, obviously, was some kind of record.

This, obviously, was also some kind of mistake.

Over the next 5 minutes, I refreshed my page every so often and saw the number peak at 31, fall to 25, and vacillate between the two for a while. As quickly as the influx of people arose, it disappeared, and I’ve since figured out the cause.

Obviously, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s people, having heard of my ardent love, are checking me out to be one half of Hollywood’s next power couple. They’ve probably since figured out that not only am I a semi-successful product designer with a steady paycheck, but I am also a car owner (only 47 more payments!) and an accomplished reader. I also excel at Halo2. I think one of my most attractive qualities, clearly, is my lack of cavities. My hobbies include being rad and my turn-ons are long short walks on the beach, bubble baths, talking about my feelings, and Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

The Return of the Once and Future King

It’s Hollywood, baby, the land of milk, honey, and movie stars; and King Tut himself is the toast of the town as he returns to the LACMA for a five month exhibition. And nowhere else could the return of a 3,300 year old minor king be heralded by such luminaries as, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Drew Barrymore, Secretary-General of the Egyptian Supreme Council of Antiquities Zahi Hawasserr (you know, the cool guy that’s always on the Discovery Channel), Omar Sharif, and, err… Brendan Frasier.

Get it? Brendan Frasier is here. You know, he was in that movie, Revenge of the Egyptian Stereotype or something like that? And that sequel, too, Seriously, We’re Totally Egyptian. You saw it… He’s even wearing his Indiana Jones jacket, so he’s pretty authentic. Having him there makes me even more interested in Egyptology.

Brendan Frasier!

I would however, without any sarcasm, been excited to run into Jennifer Love Hewitt, as I’m totally in love with her. Seeing as she goes to this type of thing, I could have safely been as dorky as I actually am without scaring her off (it would have been the chest tattoo of her face that would do that). Is it just me, or does she seem like the perfect woman? I am counting on running in to her this weekend, when I go visit the mummies.
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Oh, and then there were the protestors, enraged because a bust of Tutankhamun (which appears to be carved from alabaster) is vaguely white instead of black. And that’s offensive, see? Because it’s America. And everything is offensive to everyone. Good times.

Being sick makes for a bland, un-postable weekend. Unless you consider replacing the innards of my toilet post-worthy. Oh, you don’t?

I guess one thing about me that you can cull from that exceedingly boring tidbit of information is another exceedingly boring tidbit of information: that I like to fix things. Most people (I’m generalizing) that live in apartments call upon their landlord to fix any problems that arise. I almost never do that.

Things I’ve fixed or installed that there really was no reason for me to take the trouble to do so but I did anyway, first in a series:

.: replaced the aforementioned toilet tank fill valve assembly
.: installed a screen door
.: replaced the garage door springs
.: replaced a broken medicine cabinet/vanity mirror
.: re-caulked the tub
.: re-caulked the bathroom sink
.: fixed the space heater element
.: fixed the garbage disposal
.: repaired the kitchen fan…

That’s all I can think of right now. In retrospect, that’s a fairly hefty list for just over 2 years… this place is falling apart.

So I check my referral logs from time to time (obsessively every three minutes) and I notice the return of a few of you by your main domains. For instance, there are the 1 (or two) of you from utexas.edu. I’m pretty sure I know who you are, and you know I know, and I know you know I know, and it’s all good because we’re secret friends.

But there are others that I don’t know, that I’d be curious about… if only to find out how you might have found me. Most notably:

.: cityofpasadena.net: are you who I think you are?
.: maine.edu: truly it is the height of my narcissism to first wonder if I know you, as if I should know everyone. Who in Maine would care to read about me?
.: ucsd.edu: You (or you all), are fairly regular visitors. What’s up with that?
.: bc.ca: Canadian fan? Are you who I think you are? If so, e-mail
.: ucsb.edu: And now the most interesting of all, being my alma mater and all. Who are you and have you been to Hamburger Habit lately?

You have a lot of time to think when you’re in a hotel room in a foreign city. Which is why I have the TV on almost constantly, I would assume. I think I’ve seen at least parts of Spiderman 5 times in the last 3 days.

I drove out to Cape Canaveral and Cocoa Beach today to get a look at the area and stick my feet in the Atlantic. I’m not sure if a bomb went off, or I’m just L.A.-jaded, but where are all the people? I’m fairly certain that I could have taken a nap for the 40 minutes it took me to get out there and successfully avoided hitting anyone. It’s not a bad thing though, the lack of people, it’s just different. It leaves me with a strange feeling like I’m missing something.

Speaking of missing something, Central Florida is missing waves. There’s a huge Ron Jon’s Surf Shop a block from Cocoa Beach, but I have no idea what they’re selling boards for. The ankle-biter shore-break wasn’t even close to rideable. Maybe it’s a seasonable thing, but I think FL could take some lessons from SoCal in the waves category… though we have nothing on them in regards to water temperature. I wouldn’t even know what a spring suit was if I lived here full time.

Also speaking of missing things, again: where were all the people? Where were all the hott beach babes? Of course, mid-afternoon on a Tuesday is probably not the most jumping of times anywhere.

And on the category of hott babes, there’s a bit of a mini-tradeshow associated with this conference I’m at. It’s mostly engineering services, software companies, prototype manufacturers and the like. Nothing that anyone would consider particularly sexy. Nevertheless, a few of the booths have what could loosely be described as booth babes. That is to say, they are definitely attractive women, they are just dressed in business suits, skirts, and high heels instead of leather catsuits and body armor. It’s a little sad to me, and I wonder what they’re thinking about as the espouse the wonders of today’s Finite Element Analysis solutions to rapt and shameless audience.

I would ask them how many times they’ve been hit on if it weren’t for the fact that that’s probably the line used the most to hit on them. And so the vicious cycle continues…