floorpie

In the news today:

Bush Pledges Not to Let Up in Terror War

I had every intention of making some devastatingly sarcastic comment about how he’s pledging to do just as much as he’s been doing… meaning “nothing”, of course, as names like Osama bin Laden have long since fallen off the radar. I paused, however, when I read about the details of the fund-raising dinner he hosted in which his anti-terror statements were made (how’s that for circuitous grammar?).

At any rate, the dinner of 600 people was for $2,000 a plate.

$2,000 for the right to hear in person the same speech I just read for free. Of course, you also get a gourmet dinner of:

.: corn-on-a-stick
.: chicken fingers
.: cheesecake-on-a-stick
.: lemonade
.: cotton candy
.: fried pickles.

Cheesecake-on-a-stick. The mind boggles.

Through the sudden and capricious use of e-mail rules, and a hyper-sensitive anti-virus program, I have put an effective stop to the SoBig virus e-mails that have deluged my inbox over the past few days. I think it was the 31 infected e-mails I received this morning that motivated me to do something slightly more drastic than the nothing I was doing previously.

Which makes me wonder: wouldn’t the virus writers eventually become victims of their own success? I suspect that they have normal non-Neo-Mr.-Anderson-by-day (that was highly dorky) e-mail addresses themselves that have certainly found their way into someone else’s list of contacts. Conceivably, the 31337 h4X0r that totally ownZ0R would be just as annoyed as the rest of us, eventually. Perhaps they have some sort of magic-hand-wave while pressing Ctrl-Alt-F11 that renders them invulnerable, but I doubt it. It seems like a bit of a hollow celebration when you’re just as inconvenienced as your victims…

He said his name was Richard

I get random promptings about job openings from time to time. It only makes sense as my resume is literally everywhere (seriously, check your desktop… bing!). I received this one today, and I relay it to you here, completely unedited. Oh if that last period were only a comma.

From: Richard Poten
To: Mr. Kleeman
Subject: Pro/E Designer Opening

Dear Mr. Kleeman:

I have located your resume by means of an Internet search. It appears that you meet the first three of the following requirements for a number of positions that we have been invited to fill. I am writing to ask about the fourth requirement, and if you are willing, to ask whether I am correct that you meet the first three requirements.

1) Mechanical designer, 2) experienced in Pro/E CAD software, 3) secret clearance (active or past), 4) willing to accept an assignment at Pantex in Texas for 6-12 months for a competitive wage. (Pantex is a DOE facility about 17 miles northeast of Amarillo, Texas.)

I believe you will find that we specialize in interesting, challenging projects, and we expect the Pantex assignment to meet the same criteria.

Thank you for your attention. DICK

A couple of new license plates were submitted by Ariel over the weekend (scroll to the bottom). It’s almost not fair hunting for vanity plates here in L.A., as you’re almost more likely to see one than not.

The BLNGX2 is priceless, though.

In joyous news, there’s something that I received that could really turn my life around. I’m so excited:

From: ndukadone
To: Webmaster
Subject: urgent attention

FROM THE DESK OF OBAYEMI NDUKA,
CHIEF ACCOUNTANT,
UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA-UBA,
LAGOS,NIGERIA.
ALTRENATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS: obeyeminduka@email.com

GREETINGS.

IN ORDER TO TRANSFER OUT (USD 26 MILLION DOLLARS) FROM OUR BANK. I HAVE
THE COURAGE TO ASK YOU TO LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND HONEST PERSON WHO
WILL BE CAPABLE FOR THIS IMPORTANT BUSINESS BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL

NEVER
LET ME DOWN EITHER NOW OR IN FUTURE.

I think it’s quite obvious that my ship is about to come in.

They weren’t from around here. I’d almost say Utah if it weren’t for the butterfly tattoo in the middle of her back, and the mess of ink on his shoulder. For whatever reason, I don’t think of Utah without assuming that everyone there is Mormon; and, I don’t think of Mormons without assuming that none of them have tattoos. I know almost nothing about Mormonism.

At any rate, they were at the beach with their young child. All of them blonde, and in harmony. They seemed younger than me, by at least 3 or 4 years; and my theory seemed to hold true when, in response to his complaining about the coldness of the water or the hotness of the sand, they told their son that they just wouldn’t bring him with them the next time they came to California. For whatever reason, this seemed like something someone 3-4 years younger than me would say.

After settling in, the girl stripped down to her bikini, then quickly covered herself as much as she could with her hand and arms and leaned into her assumed husband with an, “I feel like I’m almost naked, Jesse!” They weren’t from around here.

Gray Davis was washing his car in front of his mansion today. He looked pretty relaxed after his speech, drinking a beer, and putting another coat of wax on his ’85 Camaro. Being a Californian, I thought I’d say hey:

Hey Gray, what’s up?

Hello Registered Voter! May I offer you a tall frosty one, or, if that is not to your liking, one of the many other beverages I recently purchased in anticipation of you, a Registered Voter, stopping by?

No thanks, I just wanted to say “hello”. I saw your speech, today, by the way.

You did? Tell me honestly, Registered Voter, did I look like an oak with a stick up it’s ass again?

You did.

Damnit

Sorry man, but don’t shoot the messenger… I voted for you twice!

You did? Thank you so much, Registered Voter, I am confident that I can count on your vote again in the coming reca…

Anyway, you said in your speech that, “In California, not a single light has gone out in the last two years.”

That’s right, Registered Voter. You have an astounding memory, which is just the type of quality we need voting for us in the rec…

What about the rolling blackouts?

The wha?

The rolling blackouts. You know, where all of California’s lights went out for months on end?

The rolling what now?

Enjoy your retirement.

It’s interesting how things are linked. The hollistic approach.

How a 29-hour logically power-saving blackout can cost $1 Billion, for instance. The blackout, in fact, cost a mere $36 million per hour… all money that could have been saved if we just could have kept Times Square lit.
>
And I say “we” as if I was the one that forgot to flip a switch somewhere. That’s just the kind of social conscience I have, you see.

It’s also interesting how linked I am to people infected with the latest player at the party: the Sobig Worm. In the last two days, I’ve received some 20 e-mails inviting me to open the enclosed attachment and kindly infect myself. Which makes me wonder, a la Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon how am I linked to these people? The worm has to find my e-mail address on someone’s computer…

Why do you know me Naughtygirl_sexysandi@hotmail.com?

When it rains, it pours

Suddenly, I have gone from no concrete possibilities to:
.: two offers
.: a pending third
,: and an interview with a fourth two more

Which, although welcome, cranks up the stress. It may soon come to pass that I may actually be able to so-called “save” money, as well as the more basic “have” money (I think that’s what the kids call it these days). Not to mention have somewhere to go during the day.

Futurama re-runs, I will miss thee. Perchance ye shall be saved through the Tivo that employment mayeth bring.

We went to a housewarming party in the Hollywood Hills for some of my best friends this weekend. The multi-million dollar home overlooks a parking lot and has no swimming pool; but that’s what a million-five gets you in California these days.

Come to think of it, it’s really more like a million-six if you factor in the price of gas these days, and the mile/gallon of their H2.

At any rate, the friends in question are newly engaged, that being the sort of thing that’s starting to happen in my group. It doesn’t freak me out that they’re getting married or anything, it just freaks me out that that means that I’m of the age to do be doing that sort of thing. I’m not sure what aspect of The Big M has me the most nervous: that I’m of age and not, or that I’m not and don’t feel of age. Which means, when I was 12 I thought I would be married at 25. Now that I’m 28, not only can I not imagine having been married at 25, but I’m barely able to wrap my mind around the idea of being married at 28!

Because I’m such a player, you see.

ADG and I have a good thing going. Hopefully, it will someday lead to more. I feel weird to be approaching 30 without that being nailed down, but I’m fairly sure that that’s a result of the social stigma when I was growing up more than anything else (I think we all thought we’d be married by 23-25). Of my peers, I can only think of 3 or 4 that are now married, and every single one of them came as a bit of a shock. Although, the fact that three of my most recent ex-girlfriends are now currently engaged should probably tell me something about marriage… or something about me.